Posted February 1, 2009 By carolanner
Hi
My world turned upside down on Dec. 17 when I felt a lump in right breast, mammo the next day (happened to have a drs. appt), ultrasound etc....Dec. 19th Birards category 5 on report....unsuccessful needle biopsy on Dec. 22 followed by core biopsy on Jan 9....followed by THE NEWS....I have 2 cancerous lumps in right breast.....mammo a year ago said breast was clear....I can't believe it!!!
Right now feels unreal most of time and at others periods of just being plain scared....I have seen surgeon and discussed options of total or partial mastectomy with chemo but right now just feeling I am in a dream world....trying to digest news without feeling overwhelmed....which I am sure you know is difficult....I have supportive family but this diagnosis makes you feel alone in the crowd....I find it difficult to expose my family to my fairly raw emotions (so...I put on a brave front but not feeling brave at all...I would like to cry but frankly feel numb) and sometimes I have several emotions all in the same moment....I would appreciate any words of wisdom from those who know how it feels....
Regards to all
Carol
Posted February 1, 2009 By Carolyn
Hi Carol,
I had my biopsy Dec 17 and found out it was cancer on Dec 30. After 2, six month mammogram recalls I asked for a biopsy and they found high grade invasive ductal carcinoma. I have already undergone a double mastectomy and will begin the long list of tests this Monday to see if it has spread (which I am sure it hasn't). I too could not believe it at the beginning; did not seem real, a bad dream. I think that is perfectly normal as a whole new world has opened up to you. I felt like a leper at first but am over that now. I joked that there must be a similar AA experience for people like us...."Hi, I am Carolyn and I have breast cancer". After the mastectomy I felt like that should be enough, not just the beginning. My family and friends have been wonderful and I think you will be amazed at how much people will reach out to you and offer to help, almost overwhelming. Cancer Connections is a good source to connect with someone that has had a similar experience and I have found it helpful as I am not a group kind of person. I think a sense of humor is what holds me together and putting each bad experience behind me one day at a time. We must move forward with a positive attitude as that is imperative to healing. I am terrified of what is ahead and cry from time to time but accept that as normal. Be gentle with yourself and allow those that love you to share their love. Best wishes, Carolyn
Posted February 1, 2009 By carolanner
Hi Carolyn
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reponse...I also appreciated your humour....I got a real chuckle out of AA experience....Thats exactly how it feels...and I can relate to the leper think...it makes you feel very apart from things...I will hold you in my thoughts this Monday regarding your tests....I told my daughter (who is a doctor) that I felt like I was on Deal or No Deal when it came to tests and I was afraid of choosing the wrong suitcase....I haven't had this kind of test anxiety since I was in university....only thing is you cant study for it....I hope your recovery from your surgery is going well....Thanks for your thoughts on Cancer Connections....I will google it....
Sounds like our worlds both got hit about the same time.....
All my Best
Carol
Posted February 2, 2009 By Carolyn
Hi Carol,
Canadian Cancer Society sponsors Cancer Connections. Outside Vancouver 1-888-939-3333 Within Greater Vancouver 604-675-7148. I was also able to talk to a lovely nurse at the 1-888 number that sent lots of info for support in my area and explained a lot of the medical information to me. You are so fortunate to have a daughter in the medical profession.
I am healing well after surgery and am pleased with the return of my mobility. The node surgery was the sticky part but the two mastectomies were actually not that painful after the first few days (day surgery, can you believe it!). At first I was horrified to see how much mobility I had lost but I have done my exercises day after day and then without me expecting it, the pole I was using hit the floor behind my head so you see it seems insurmountable at the time but then....you have arrived. I suspect much of this journey will feel like that.
I have looked at a few of these sites and see that often women offer their e-mail address to people in similar circumstances so if you wish you may contact me (westcoastgirl_3@hotmail.com). It seems I am a few steps ahead of you in all of this and I am happy to share my missteps and good steps. I suspect we are of similar ages. I am her2 positive which is not a good thing and will be having my heart tested tomorrow to make sure I can do the treatment. Wed. I will have a bone scan and so it goes. I know I will lose my hair in chemo but I have chosen not to wear falsies and will not choose a wig so have told my husband that soon enough we will have to wear name tags so people can tell us apart. I am planning in a year or two when most of the treatment is behind me to look into reconstruction but for now I prefer to go one step at a time, concentrating on what is most important. I am working very hard at being positive as I figure losing hope and being negative will only waste my time. By the way, pick the prettiest suitcase as you can always use it to pack reading material, hats, scarves...take care, Carolyn
Posted June 1, 2009 By Bonnie27
I just had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago for what the biopsy said was ductal in-situ but I just got the pathology report and it is also invasive. I can't make head or tail of the path report even though I am a nurse and have books to refer to.
What tests do they do to see if it has spread? That is my biggest worry right now. I see my oncologist on Thursday but that seems like a long time to wait.
Posted February 2, 2009 By Jo
Unbelievable that your story is my story. History of a benign tumour that was removed in June 2007. Developed a cyst. Ultrasound.Ok Nov. 2008 decided I wanted it removed for diagnostic purposes...a few weeks later(mid December) noticed 2 lumps , same breast ...absolutely freaked. Told not to worry most likely normal breast changes( guess 45 year old women have lumpy breasts) . Anyway Mammo and ultrasound on Jan 12 followed by a biopsy. A week later the news of invasive ductal carcinoma. Booked for a lumpectomy today. In the mean time was able to see a specialist and after further testing....atleast 3 tumours and he is suggesting a masectomy. The past 10 days have been like a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters. Like you two, my emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm calm and the next I'm ready to perform surgery on myself, just rip it out. I am still awaiting a new surgery date , Very anxious to move on. Family has been unbelievably supportive which has been so helpful.
I sincerely wish the best to the both of you. This is such a life altering experience.
Posted February 2, 2009 By carolanner
Hi Jo
Got up this morning to have my coffee and saw your post. You are so right....it is a rollercoaster and I agree....I don't like rollercoaster either. But that is exactly how it feels....I was just diagnosed last Thursday and suddenly my whole world revolves around my breasts....and I think....How can this be????
For large periods of time I will feel "normal" and then this wave of anxiety hits and boy those periods are difficult. They always subside but oh boy when they are going on....Not fun!!! I have been going out a lot and I find that a good distraction as I find it difficult to put my mind to basic tasks right now....e.g. housework etc. My sister who is in Florida right now has been wonderful to talk to on the phone....when I am going through a bad patch...she lets me say it all and I have the feeling that that is important....getting out the bad feelings as well so that I can move on and prepare myself. I know that at some point the hope will well up and I will get ready for the fight but I think it is important to give ourselves permission to feel the way we feel and not label any emotion as wrong. I find that when I stop trying to dictate to myself ....how to feel....and just feel....it takes a lot of the power out of worrying and the calm comes....Right now at the beginning the fear seems very powerful but I know that that is the illusion of that emotion....the really powerful emotions are the gentle ones we give ourselves...like hope, kindness and yes even laughter..... and I think if I give myself permission to just feel what I feel that hope will rise up and kick fear"s big butt. Hope will come but I think not like an act of will but like a rainbow after the storm.....
Sitting here this morning and reading your post...reminded me that we have to be gentle with ourselves and that means, I think for me, to stop judging my feelings as either good or bad...but just what I happen to feel at the moment. When I think that way....for me anyway....I feel better....and stronger....
Jo....I wish for you the gift of a rainbow even though like me you are in the midst of the storm.
Take care and know there are those of us...that share your journey and your story....because they are ours too....
Be gentle with yourself and I will try to do the same for myself....
Best regards
Carol
Posted February 2, 2009 By Jo
Thank you so much for responding. You sound very much like my sister who has provided me with so much support. I am typically not the type of person to reach out to others but after the first few days realized that I can't do this on my own.
Today is not a great day for me , feeling a little frustrated and just kinda sad but that is right now and I know it will pass . I will get re-energized and continue to move forward. Seriously has been like this the past 10 days. Your words ring true , it is important to just feel and go through it and than move on. I realize this is just the nature of the beast...and I realize also that it can only make us stronger...how could it not?
Take care Carol and Carolyn
Jo
Posted February 3, 2009 By Carolyn
Hi Jo and Carol,
I have decided this is my code to live by for the next probably long while....Carolyn
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!
Dr. Seuss
Posted February 3, 2009 By carolanner
Hi Carolyn & Jo
Loved the Dr. Seuss.....
Loved the fighting spirit....
I so admire your spirit and your wonderful sense of humour.
You made me think of one of my favourite quotes from Winston Churchill:
"When you are going through hell....Keep going!"
Who knew that Dr. Seuss & Winston Churchill had so much in common....LOL
Come to think of it....I may look like a cross between Dr. Seuss & Winston Churchill when it comes time for "the hat wearing thing"...LOL
Yesterday I was kinda wallowing in it....no not kinda....I was like a pig in the mud....
This morning my husband, Richard, said to me...
"Mobilize your anger!!"...He meant that constructively and to focus on the real foe...I think he knew that for me there was real anger underneath it all....Cancer you may have invaded my breast.....but I will be damned that you invade my soul.....
So today....that is my creed....
Okay Cancer....Hear this....
"You are going down....You are going down to Chinatown" (Robert DeNiro pointing his two fingers at his eyes and then pointing at the big C)
Fight the good fight!!!
Best Regards....
Carol
Posted February 5, 2009 By Jo
GoodMorning Ladies,
Hope you both are faring well enough considering the circumstances. You both sound like Zena Warriors ready for battle. Carol have you had your surgery yet? Carolyn when do you start the chemo? Have not yet had surgery myself, which is stressing me a little , but at least things are moving along....at a snails pace!
But I keep busy. Like right now , my 3 year old won't let me write so I will sign off for now.
Take care
Jo
Posted February 5, 2009 By Carolyn
Hi Jo,
I am hoping to begin my chemo near the end of the month. I just want to get on with it now. Since I am Her2 positive I will be getting injections for a very long time. I start with two rounds of two different types of chemo and then a year of Herceptin and an estrogen blocker for 5 years. I give thanks every day that I live at a time when medicine can do this for me. I had the two mastectomies and truly after the first few days it was not that hard an operation. The node surgery is a little more involved but if you do your exercises regularly you will be surprised at how quickly mobility comes back. Many people will offer to help you and with young children I hope you accept. There are many,many stories out there with similar circumstances as yours...doesn't make it any easier for you but it helps you to know you can overcome as well. I have used the Cancer Connection to talk to survivors with Her2 as it gives me confidence to know I can beat this too. Ductal carcinoma is the most common type of breast cancer and therefore the most is known about it. You will be a survivor.
Posted March 22, 2009 By jlamondin
Hi, I have no words of wisom to you I just wanted to say I am feeling the exact same things as you. I am 36 year old, a registered nurse that works in a medical clinic that felt a lump a few months back (Maybe even as far back as last August 2008). I checked things into the "back burner" because nurses can be a little neurotic about things like that sometimes, (or so I was always told by my mother who is also a nurse). Months later I approached my boss (a Dr) and asked what his opinion of a lump that seemed to go away when my periods showed up and then by October it didn't. He underplayed it (because of my age) and said it was likely a fibroadenoma and that was all. I left it another month and after several restless nights I thought I would "ease my mind" by my own GP. 2 days later I had my mammo and ultrasound and 4 days later was told it was very suspicious and that I would need a biopsy done. One week later I was laying in the hospital waiting on the doctor to come in and perform my "45-60 minute" biopsy only to find out there were 2 suspicious areas right in the breast and 1 lymph node so this took 2 hours. (With my poor husband waiting patiently not knowing what was gowing on). A whole week passed before I sat down with my surgeon to be told I had an aggressive Stage 3 carcinoma and given the option of a lumpectomy or mastectomy. I thought, "hmm, mustn't be too bad if I am given an option of a lumpectomy", but was soon told you call a spade a spade, it is what it is. I have opted for a mastectomy because I don't want to be neurotic and worry needlessly until I really have to. My surgery date is scheduled on March 31/09. I am married and I have 2 beautiful children 13 and 10 who are all majorly supportive. I drag myself out of bed every morning and live in a world of complete numbness. I smile at my kids so they feel things will be fine, and I smile at my husband because he has told me that he is feeling alright if he knows I am feeling alright. I am scared beyond belief. I cannot say anything about being scared of the "d" word because death is not an option. I am a fighter, I know I can do it. I am just very very scared.
Posted September 2, 2009 By jigginjean
Hi all. As I read some of these posts, Jlamondin, feel like we are mirrors of each other. My son is 14, daughter 11 and have grade 3 IDC. I also was given the option of lumpectomy with radiation or mastectomy. I was diagnosed in July and underwent a second surgery in August. I have my first cancer clinic appointment in a week to find out if it has spread beyond my breast. Lymph nodes were removed for testing in August. I have already had a chest xray, ultrasound of liver, etc., as well as a bone scan last week.
I feel so good that it is just almost impossible to believe that all this is happening. For the most part I am doing well. I wonder sometimes if I am still in denial or have worked my way to acceptance and am ready to move forward with treatment, whatever that may entail.
I am a firm believer in the power of a positive mind.
I know that the aggressive nature of my cancer is the reason that everything has moved very quickly for me, and I suspect that will continue.
I wish you all the best and wonder if you have started treatments and how that is going for you and your family.
Posted March 24, 2009 By jlamondin
When I wrote my last post it was the middle of the night (2 am) and it was one of my tearful nights. I have realized what a rollercoaster your emotions really take when you are first diagnosed. I really thought I had it together but in the middle of the night when no one is around, I guess I don't. Not to mention the fact that my brain is spent and my spelling is quite lost. I laughed when I read my post yesterday, all the spelling mistakes in it were terrible. Needless to say, I do know how to spell, I am not really that depressed, I have realized that I can't change the diagnosis but I can change the outcome. I am happy to finally have a site to be able to connect with some young women because there really isn't anyone in my area that I can talk to . I just wish more people used this site, especially ones that have been through this and would respond because I would love to connect with someone in my similar situation.
Posted March 25, 2009 By Janelle
Hey Jlamodin,
Wanted to write you to remind you that you are not alone in your fight. I was diagnosed in October 2008 at 29 years old. I underwent a lumpectomy in November and started chemo in January. I have completed 3 rounds of FEC and and 1 round of taxotere. I have handled chemo pretty good so far. The first few days I have been sick, but I have been able to work throughout. At first it feels like a bad dream, but it does get easier. I have not met a lot of young women going through this either, but I have met quite a few inspiring women who are survivors - they remind me this can be beaten!
Best of luck
J
Posted May 19, 2009 By Blue
I was just dx with breast cancer, and will be having a lumpectomy on May 25th. I am young 39 and I have 2 children an 8 year old and a 4 year old. I don't know what to tell them. The often ask me "why are you so tired." I just smile. I worry that I didn't find the lump in time. I don't even know what stage of cancer I am in. I am feeling very isolated, and not sure what I am supposed to be doing to take control of my health now that I know what I am dealing with. I know that it is good to reach out to other's that are fighting this.
Posted May 20, 2009 By Jo
I felt just as overwhelmed and afraid as you feel now, with my initial diagnosis, back in January. You do feel lost...I sure did. Always have someone with you for any of your appointments, because it can be so difficult to absorb everything they tell you....so difficult. Don't get ahead of yourself....although everyone is different , ....for me too much information ...was just that.... too much. For me , I was and continue to be able to cope by taking it step by step..... You will find your own way through all this...rest assured it does get easier. I am in the chemo phase...Was terrified prior to my first treatment , but now that I have gone through it ...know what to expect...will deal with it and move on.... Taking control of your health , is exactly what you are doing, .....take care
Jo
Posted June 1, 2009 By Jo
Your son sounds very mature. The journal idea is great one to document all that you are going through, all your feelings. We are very close in our treatments. I have just done my second round of FEC. Each session I am trying to get a better handle on it. First one was tough , seem to have a very weak stomach. Second one wasn't afraid to use the anti nausea and worked out better for me. I don't have a port , but a PICC line which is in the arm Unlike the Port which is under the skin (I believe) the Picc line access is exposed , but just taped down to the arm. Anyway....tomorrow I get my Nupogen shot which is to build up my white blood cell count. Soon I will learn to do it myself. Not looking forward to that. Hope your next round goes well and is not too uncomfortable.
Take care
Jo
Posted October 1, 2009 By Laurel
Hi. I was just diagnosed with bc in August and had a lumpecdomy in September. I just got my results back and found out the cancer was worse than thought and will have to have a masectomy and most of my lymph nodes removed. I am horrified. I cannot believe this. First it was just a small amount and now its large. Instead of Radiation it is now Chemo. I am 59 years old and trying to cope. Before yesterday, I was very optomistic. I hope its like the first diagnoses and I will get that feeling back of optomism. Today is a sad day.
Posted October 5, 2009 By julia
Hi Laurel
I am so sad for you. I'm 42 with 3 very young kids and have travelled your path. Be strong and fight for your life. Chemo is very doable. I just finished the 4th of 6. It just SUCKS but we can beat it!!! No one posts here anymore. Try the other thread.
