Posted December 23, 2008 By Mammomomma
I was diagnosed just last week. I am crying all the time and my kids want to know why. What do I tell them? I am trying not to let them know anything is wrong because this should be such a happy time of the year for them but I am so scared. They are 6 and 11 years old. Do I tell them anything? How do I tell them?
Posted December 30, 2008 By Willow
Thank you for your message. We notice your message has not had a response as yet. Willow-talk is a new community and our membership will grow quickly. In the meantime, here is a link to a resource list that Willow has compiled to help you with talking to your children: http://www.willow.org/pdfs/Children.pdf
Also, if you would like to speak with a peer counselor who is a breast cancer survivor, please call us toll-free at 1-888-778-3100. If you prefer, you can email us at support@willow.org. And please, keep checking back! As the Willow-talk.org community continues to grow, more and more people affected by breast cancer will be sharing their stories.
Posted January 3, 2009 By Glimmer
Hello Mammomomma,
I think that when it comes to kids they know more than you realise and keeping things in the dark can make them feel more worried. I told my kids (age 8 and 6 at the time) what they needed to hear, that I was sick and that I had to have surgery to get better and I had to take very strong medicine for six months.
Everyone is different and you have to tell them (or not) what feels comfortable for you.
Good luck!
Posted January 4, 2009 By Wind in the Willows
Thanks, Glimmer!
Did you have chemo? Did you lose your hair? How did you work through that with your kids? I am just starting out and that is a big worry for me as I have heard that some kids don't really care about the hair issue but others become very distant and need help understanding that Mom is the same person...just 'topless' for a while.
Posted January 24, 2009 By rosa26
The truth in simple words. Have courage and hope.
Posted August 3, 2009 By littlesnowbird
Hi there,
I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, am awaiting treatment and haven't told my children (3 and 6) yet. After doing some internet research, I found a book at the public library called "Sammy's Mommy has cancer" to help prepare our children for what is to come. We read to our children regularly and included this book in our stash of books without. So as to not alarm them at the outset, we didn't single out this book or make a big deal of it by reading it alongside other books.
The book has proven to be very helpful so far, especially with our 6 year old because it uses language young children can understand and deals with the emotional, physical and medical aspects of living with cancer. My husband and I found it much easier to read the book than to find our own words and our daughter responded well by asking questions. Since the first reading, she has requested repeated readings and has even played "doctor and cancer patient" with my son. It is painful to witness this kind of play but I realise this is how children make sense of what they learn. Both my husband and I feel reassured that our children will receive better the news about my cancer when the time comes for us to tell them (i.e. once we receive my treatment plan and prognosis.)
I believe there are other books about cancer out there which are written for children but this is the only one I could find at our local library.
Best wishes...
Posted February 8, 2010 By Parker
Something I found really helpful in my situation was "go with your gut", only you know your kids and what they can handle and what they can't. I had to take what people "told me to do" with a grain of salt.
My cancer came along fast and furious. I was diagnosed with stage 3, grade 3 cancer on a Tues, saw the surgeon Thurs and had my mastectomy on Saturday. I was released Sunday morning, less than a week after I found out. We didn't have much time to prepare the kids and found that the most direct and honest approach was the best. They were 7 and 11 years old.
I told them I had tumours and they had to be removed or I would get very sick. I told them they would remove my breast (my 11 year old told me later, he thought it would grow back, he was shocked when I told him it would not ... that lead to a good discussion about prosthesis and possbile reconstruction).
I told them after I'd recovered from surgery that I would see a special doctor (I said special doctor, to show them I was getting extra special care, more than what they get going to our family doctor) who would give me chemo and radiation to help keep the sickness away. I told them I might get sick from the chemo, but that was the drugs and not the illness making me sick.
I didn't use the "C" word until I'd seen my oncologist and gotten a full prognosis. I didn't want the kids to ask questions I couldn't answer. If they'd asked "Mom, do you have cancer?", before I'd gotten my pathology, I would have been honest and said yes.
When I got my pathology report, my husband and I went right home and spoke to the kids. The centre had given me a book for kids, something like "Why doesn't Mommy have hair?. A family's journey through cancer together". My 11 yr old son picked up the book and read the title, and said, "But Mom, you don't have cancer, do you?" I replied very honestly and simply, "yes, I do". We then had a cuddly family discussion, as positive as possible without saying too much or too little.
I knew my kids could be my strength and I knew they would help me be positive. I didn't cry a lot, for me, cancer was "an unfortunate fact of life and a detour, not a dictation of how my life would be from here on in". So my kids didn't see me crying all the time. I knew they would feed off of my energy, so I tried to be positive and upbeat. When I needed to cry, I did it in my husband's arms, under the covers, behind a door, at a support group and even when swimming (no one sees your tears then LOL). Sometimes I was teary in front of them and when they asked why, I said, "well, I am sad, that life isn't always fair and that I didn't want us all to be going through this". Sometimes I told them I was scared. But I didn't tell them everything, nor did I hide it completely, I just "filtered it" for the kids. They need to know you are human, that sometimes life is not fair. But they also need to see your hope.
I tried not to talk about the cancer too much in front them, but I didn't hide everything either. Kids know when you are hiding things and some of my friends who hid everything from their kids, found their kids didn't trust them or believe them later on.
But my kids, they were wonderful, they still are. I don't think that it ever occurred to them that I might die. If they had asked, we would have talked gently about the possibility. I felt they were too young to have to worry about Mommy dying, so I never said that. My cancer has a 42% chance of recurring, but that's also a 58% chance of NOT recurring. We focused as much on the glass half full as possible. I'm coming up on 2 years since my diagnosis and I'm healthy and lots of times when my 9 year old and 13 year olds kiss me, I tell them how wonderful they are, that their love makes me feel so good inside. Secretly, I really mean that their love has healed me. A big part of me believes that.
So I wish you well in the quest to tell your children, to deal with it with your children and to live with it with your children. Look to them for love and support and strength. For me, feeding off of their energy and naitivitee made this detour a lot less bumpy.
